It was instantaneous. I felt it in my gut IMMEDIATELY.
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Working on Your Inner Crap
Differentiating "Real" Big Deals from "Faux" Big Deals
By the time we reach our 60’s and we've cultivated even a smidge of self-awareness, we can tell when our inner crap is about to bubble up. We recognize that white-hot energy that twists in our gut. Sometimes we even catch it in time, before we blow up.
Still, from time to time we don't catch it and we do blow up. It's instantaneous. It's the cause and effect theory with ZERO seconds between the cause and effect.
Think Incredible Hulk. Something triggers him and busts through his clothes.
My Inner Crap - Hulk Moment.
This post was originally NOT going to be about Inner Crap. But, this morning I had a HULK moment, so I thought I'd share while I’m still running around in a tattered shirt.
Every morning I take a quick walk around my yard - front and back. I’ve planted a lot of seeds and I love inspecting them. Watching the progress (or lack thereof) is somehow grounding. I've planted a lot of butterfly flowers, like blue mistflower and milkweed. Monarch butterflies love the milkweed and I already have several big, beautiful fat caterpillars.
Last week Kurt was on wasp patrol. He walks around the house with a can of Raid and a broom. When he finds a nest, he’ll spray the hell out of it with Raid and then beat it down with the end of the broom.
As you might imagine, we are the exact opposite on how we would choose to handle the wasp issue. Yes, we spoke about it. I voiced my concerns and yes. You might know where this story is headed.
Back to this morning’s walk-about…
I don't see but one little baby caterpillar on a milkweed. Looking over the eave of the garage, one of the places they tend to cocoon and there is a pale, shrivelled caterpillar; clearly dead or near death, and spread out on the eave.
Yes, Kurt outsmarted and outwitted the wasps at the garage. And the residue from the Raid was in the cedar killing the caterpillar on it's journey to create its cocoon. I was beside myself.
Real Big Deals -vs- Faux Big Deals
The aftermath of the blow-up got me thinking. When is turning into the Hulk called for? And when is your explosive reaction your inner crap taking you over?
When is what you’re reacting to a “REAL” Big Deal and when is it your inner crap telling you it's a big deal, but really it's a FAUX Big Deal?
In Dr. Jim Taylor’s book, “Change Your Life’s Direction” he describes REAL and FAUX Big Deals as:
REAL Big Deals: The outcomes of which are significant, substantial, life changing. Divorce, Death, Losing a Job, Illness, etc. Real threats to a way of life.
FAUX Big Deals: Experiences that do not have life-changing outcomes yet are interpreted as very threatening. Challenging situations misinterpreted as threats.
FAUX Big Deals are not big deals at all. They're little deals that spark our inner crap. It's something that makes us feel attacked, discounted, ignored, or otherwise threatened emotionally.
Seriously, we probably react worse to FAUX Big Deals than we do REAL Big Deals.
This is not to say that FAUX Big Deals aren’t important. But it is important to be self-aware enough to recognize when one starts to take hold. How? Be clear on what triggers to look out for and what they raise in you.
How do you do that?
You STOP
After I saw the poor dead caterpillar, the feeling was swift and strong. I knew what was happening. I bit my lip. Tears welled up, but I held my tongue.
I sat down and put myself in a time-out. I spent a few minutes thinking, What was happening? Why did I react so strongly?
Creating a butterfly garden and a space for them to thrive has been something I've talked about and worked on for years. What I worked out was my inner crap was a feeling of hurt, being discounted, and that what was important to me didn't matter.
Otherwise, why would he have sprayed that Raid there without cleaning it up appropriately?
It isn’t easy to stop, examine yourself, and then have a loving, reasonable conversation at times like this. Unfortunately, that’s not how inner crap works.
And, while I'm still upset that the caterpillar died and I'm disappointed that Kurt didn't think about how Raid is a poison that will kill caterpillars as well as wasps; I do know he didn't do it on purpose. I know he understands how I feel and that he cares. He just didn't think.
It's like any muscle, you've got to use it regularly to build strength - muscle memory. You CAN recognize “the heat, the feeling” that starts to consume you. With even more practice you CAN recognize when you’re going full-on-Hulk. When you do, you can make a choice to stop and think.
It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Victor Frankl.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
The next time you feel your inner-Hulk boiling up, stop yourself... Consider, is it REAL or is it FAUX? Are you facing a challenge in your life or a threat to your life?
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